Friday, November 18, 2011

A New Chapter

Today is the the one I've been dreading since April 25. The one I anticipated would bring me to my knees, tears to my eyes and pain all over again.

It has not.

This was the year I summed up in one word - revival - as it began and was absolutely certain it would bring joy, peace and an easy season for our family.

It has not.

My feelings since that numbing day a bit over six months ago have run the gamut - anger, laughter, grief, joy, despair, peace... I have been positive for months all those feelings would collide today.

They have not.

What I feel today is peace. Joy. Hope. Anticipation. It is true that what we should be doing today is welcoming a new member into our family here on earth.

But we are not.

I have no idea why it was not to be. I have no answers to many of the questions I've asked, cried, begged and pleaded with Him for...

And that's ok...

In fact, it's more than ok. Because this year has brought about many things and, much to the devil's dismay, one of those things truly has been revival.

My marriage is stronger. The way we love each other is more passionate. My parenting comes with more understanding (most of the time). And we try our best not to take any day for granted. Each is a gift.

I have been, for the most part, proud of our little family and how we have weathered this storm. That's not to say we haven't fallen, stumbled or had bad days. But we have gotten back up, dusted ourselves off, moved forward and made the choice not to let this experience define us.

So what I actually feel today is that it is, in fact, the end of a chapter. A very special chapter I, for one, will never forget. One that made me question everything around me, including my faith in One who works all things together for the good.

While I still do not understand, I have learned firsthand that He is near those who mourn. Even when grief and sadness cloud our judgment and we cannot feel His presence.

There was also a period of time when I felt He had backed away. I know, without a doubt, He never left me but I do believe He was giving me a choice. I could either continue to seek Him - without every concrete answer I begged for - or I could choose to be angry. And it would have eaten me alive.

So today we close the chapter. We look ahead. With great anticipation that He has infinitely more wonderful things in store than we could ask or imagine. And, with gratefulness, I now know the following passage to be true. To my very core.

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.
Philippians 4:12

He is the answer. The only one that matters...