Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Late Night Confession

There are times in life when it strikes me anew that I am making a mess out of things and truly cannot do anything on my own. Without Him, I am a white hot mess without the ability to see things in the proper perspective, move forward (or not) as He leads and manage the day-to-day craziness involved with life on planet Earth in any effective manner.

I like to call these duh moments. Why? Because it always amazes me when I find myself at this point again when I've never made it through any situation of consequence without fully relying and trusting Him.

I alluded earlier this week to the fact that I'm having a difficult time believing He will come through for me while fully trusting and believing He will come through for my friends and family. You know what that is, friends?

Unbelief.

It's ugly. And it's a sin. And I'm putting it down right this moment and choosing to be completely done with it.

While it's no secret that the first half of 2011 has been nothing of what I expected and 1000 times harder than I could have imagined, the fact of the matter is that He has not left my side once. For that I am incredibly grateful.

I find it no coincidence that I have been left totally alone this evening (with nothing but my thoughts - scary!) as Tonto has been called on back-to-back transports (which NEVER happens) immediately after working a 12-hour shift. And you already know the girl is at camp so here I sit...

Actually, I was standing. In the shower if you really want to know when I was overcome with the need to sit down, type this out and just lay it out for everyone to see. Why? I have absolutely no idea. But I am choosing to obey.

No, I do not have any desire for this blog to turn into "Casi lost her baby and it's consuming her life."

None. At. All.

However, this is a part of our life right now. I've been rather transparent throughout this process and why I recently chose to clam up I really don't have an answer for...except that I desperately want to move forward and get back to our normal life. I also feel very strongly that something good needs to happen soon because this wilderness we've been walking through takes a toll on the soul.

Just keeping it real.

So, here goes nothing...

No, our days have not been easy for the past week(s). For a variety of reasons, several of which are directly related to losing our baby and the aftermath. I have no idea what God's plan is at the moment and, quite frankly, it is frustrating the snot out of me.

Why? Because I really thought I had heard Him say something and I was wrong. Flat out wrong. And that is disappointing, deflating and painful.

However, I have no doubt that He promised me something several months ago that remains true. So the fact that I don't know when, how, or in what manner He will keep that promise is really of little to no consequence because He is faithful. He always keeps His promises. He has already walked ahead of me and worked it all out. I'm simply following in His footsteps.

I will continue to do so even when  I don't feel like it. When my cheeks are still stained with tears. When it hurts more than choosing the easier (but sinful) path of disbelief.

Should you feel compelled, I would covet your prayers. There is strength in numbers and we know what He says about two or three gathered in His name. And I strongly feel that He is telling me that all of the transparency shown before today is worth nothing if I don't continue on this path.

So...

I will not give up. I will not allow satan to con me into believing that I'm living in the middle of some cruel joke my Lord is playing. I. Will. Not. I will not shy away from asking others to join me in the prayer that His will comes to fruition in perfect time. And that I will accept it with a joyful heart knowing that I cannot even fathom the amazing life He has in store. Or drive my husband crazy in the meantime.

And that glory will be brought to His name.

He is loving and perfect and His ways cannot be wrong. My thinking can be (obviously) but He cannot.

So that's my confession...and, honestly, I feel much better now. :-)

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