Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Summer Daze

This summer has been unlike any I've ever experienced.

It was the first summer the girl was not enrolled in a day camp so she had a calendar of her own, which kept momma hopping almost every week. She has attended two separate church camps, Baylor volleyball camp and Midway softball camp.

In addition, she spent almost a week with Nana and Boppy, headed to San Antonio for a long weekend and attended Vacation Bible School. Not to mention that our actual vacation is just around the corner and she will be visiting my grandmother this fall as well.

To say that my lunch hours have been full of juggling her needs, getting her fed, helping her pack, etc. would be a gross understatement. However, I loved every minute of it.

That is not the part of this summer that has been so difficult. It wasn't the heat either though it has truly been blistering from the minute school let out.

In fact, I don't even know that vocalizing how difficult this season has been is possible. It's not that I don't love my life and family. Because I do. Wholeheartedly. It's not because I don't believe in an omnipotent God who has a perfect plan for our lives. Because I absolutely believe that with everything I have in me...

But that doesn't change the fact that this has been a rough season. I have grieved a child who I won't know this side of heaven deeply. Tonto and I were on completely separate pages for at least a solid month this summer. The plan we thought was in place for taking the next step for our lives was ripped out from under us in an instant. Tonto rolled with the punches. I did not. Not even a little bit.

One night he looked at me said, "You're taking this way too personally. It's like you think God is mad at you and you're being punished."

And you know what? That's exactly how I felt at that least in my heart...though my head knows better.

There have been times when I've bought into satan's lies and thought that this season would never end. That our lives would never be the same. Fearing that disappointments and "no's" would permeate our walk on earth from now until...

But that's not the case. It was simply a season. A season in which I have cried several rivers of tears, have been angry at the world for no apparent reason and have made myself (and others around me) absolutely miserable. And this is coming from the girl who (up until this point) only cried when she was mad. Ever.

In true God form, though, the man and I are now back on the same page and have enjoyed a number of date nights and just hanging out together while the girl was off on her adventures. The doom and gloom I was living day in and day out seems to have lifted and I'm no longer Negative Nelly at every juncture.

I feel in my heart that the promise God made to us will be fulfilled though I have no idea how it will happen. It doesn't matter how just matters that I believe Him. And I do.

As a mom who works in education, the New Year has always seemed to be the beginning of a new school year in my mind. It's a time brimming with excitement and possibilities. When football games, fellowship and limitless ideas abound.

Today I am thanking God that He has allowed me to feel that excitement and peace again. That I have a beautiful (and very tall) daughter who makes me laugh every day. For my man who has weathered the emotional rollercoaster in this tumultuous season.

As a rule, I hesitate to make any bold statements I feel could be taken the wrong way or backfire on me in this venue; however, I am going to make an exception.

It is my belief that God does not give us desires in our heart that will not be fulfilled. Particularly when we have begged and pleaded (am I alone here?) for Him to take them away if it will not be...

Our desire to have another child is now greater than it ever was before. I believe He has allowed this longing for a reason and that He will provide. Some way. Somehow. As only He can.

And so we wait...with grateful anticipation...

(and new pencils, football tickets and pom pons)

For I am waiting for you, O Lord. You must answer for me, O Lord my God.
Psalm 38:15

P.S. After I wrote this post (it's been sitting in the drafts for several days), I really asked God to just let me know He hadn't forgotten me. Somehow. Some way. The very next day, the same verse was delivered through the radio station, an app on my phone and to my inbox. It was:

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.
Hebrews 13:8 NLT

And it hit me in the gut and immediately brought this post to mind. Coincidence? I think not.


Ang said...

I love it when the Lord speaks through scripture ... it's like a love note to remind me how much he cares. :)

Sandra said...

We have also been going through a time of waiting and trusting God. It's been hard at times and I can definitely understand where you are coming from. But God is always faithful. And His plan is perfect and worth waiting for.