Wednesday, April 2, 2014

No Regrets

I remember this day well. It was 4th of July and Tonto was working. The girl and I met my parents at the Belton parade - a tradition still kept - and she was having a bit of toddler angst. And she was in an orange soda phase. And the precious red, white and blue outfit my mom had gotten her for  the occasion was *almost* too small. But we made it work. Because it was precious. And festive.

We had purchased our first home less than a year before and it was currently Taylor's turn for a room makeover. She had chosen pink walls with a hand painted flower (think tulips, bright and happy) border. I had painstakingly worked with many colors of paint, brushes galore and a lifesaving stencil for days.

After the parade was over, my parents took the girl back to their house for lunch and a nap so I could finish up her room. And I did. And it looked amazing. I knew she would LOVE it.

Tonto got off work not long after and we met up with some friends for a bit before retiring to the home of some other friends. They lived close to a park where the local fireworks show was visible from their front lawn.

And I let Taylor go with my parents to a different location to see the show. By the time I picked her up, she was exhausted. And she couldn't care less that her new room was complete. She simply wanted to go to bed.

The good news is that she did LOVE the room. The next morning. And she loved the fireworks. I know that because she told me. And my mom told me. But not because I witnessed it myself.

The number of moments I've missed like this one aren't astronomical. But they're the ones that stick with me. The ones I regret. Because the truth is that motherhood (or fatherhood) is hard. And it brings with it guilt. For so many reasons. Some legit. Most not. But, again, the least legit items are the ones that remain in my head. Maybe I'm not alone?

There are so many more moments, experiences and memories I've made with my girl. And I cherish them. Even the ones - and perhaps especially the ones - that didn't turn out exactly like I had hoped.

And that's why I'm mostly absent these days. From the blog. From happy hour. From social commitments. From dinners out and almost anything else that takes me away or makes me miss moments like this...

...and this...

...and this.

Because right now life is a roller coaster. And it's exhausting a lot of the time as well. Sometimes just making it to work on time or making it through the day without bursting into tears is a giant win. 

But, no matter how anything might turn out in the next year or so, there is one thing I know for sure: I don't want to have regrets about how I spent my time. Or the amount of energy I poured into those I love.

And so I'll remain happily - and maybe annoyingly - absent for now. Because I just don't want to miss a singular, solitary thing.