Last week was LONG and provided so many Not Me! moments that I've whittled it down for your reading pleasure. I hope you're not as embarrassed reading these things as I was experiencing them...
I did not wake up last Tuesday to find that our smallest dog, Perkie, had been ill throughout the night...to the tune of more than 10 areas on my carpet that needed to be scrubbed. I'm talking on my hands and knees scrubbing.
I certainly did not tackle this task during my lunch hour and then get back to my office and wonder 'What's that smell?' Thankfully, it was cleaning solution and not the other alternative.
Upon waking Wednesday morning, I most assuredly DID NOT encounter the same scene. And I did not use any colorful language when I made this discovery.
When I woke to a (still) clean carpet on Thursday morning, I did not skip to my office. In stilettos.
And when I returned that evening to find that the boxer had raided the pantry (two entire shelves worth), I did not just sit down on the couch and cry. He had NOT eaten 10 FIBER bars, another 5 plain cereal bars and assorted raw pasta was not all over my kitchen floor.
Given that fiber and cereal bars are sticky, I did not crawl around the floor in the living room picking tiny pieces out of the rug. Nor did I send my hubby a rather colorful text message about the scene I'd encountered.
My husband DID NOT kill yet another poisonous snake while mowing last week. This time it most certainly was not a water moccasin. I also did not finally break down and call Animal Control only to hear 'yep, we've had a huge increase in snake calls.'
Thanks for making me feel so much better! NOT!
After telling them about the latest discovery, the guy absolutely did not have the audacity to say, 'Really? A water moccasin? Next time you find one of those, can you call us so we can see one? That would be really awesome!'
Sure, buddy, next time we'll just instruct the snake to hang out for a few minutes while we call the police. I have NO doubt that he'll gladly oblige.
I also did not attend my first aerobics class at the local YMCA and learn that, although I've been working out very regularly for the past 5 months, I'm still a long way from being able to hang. I did not stand in Spinning class for all of 30 seconds before sneaking - out of fear - out the side door.
I did not then proceed to Body Sculpting class and have the tar beat out of me by the instructor. For the rest of the week, I did not wince or cry when trying to get into or out of a chair. Because that would be pathetic.
My battle cry most definitely did not become 'My quads are crying tears of lactic acid, people!' And I did not skip out on Thursday's torture session because I didn't want to break into a sob in front of the other 40 people in the class. Nope - not me!
Of course, I also did not blog about the entire ordeal so the rest of the world could laugh at my pain either.
And finally, I did not finally get my family to Sunday School yesterday a YEAR after we first began attending this church. I also did not threaten bodily harm to my husband after he told Tay (as we were walking in), 'I wanted to take you to Ft. Worth Zoo today but your mom said we had to go to church instead.' Nope, not me! Because that just wouldn't be right walking into a house of worship and all.
Praying, begging and pleading with the Lord for a more calm week,
Casi
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