Eleven Thousand Minus One

I've written and rewritten this posting a thousand times in my mind. We have news - what we consider to be big news - and want to share it but (I) also want to ensure this news isn't misunderstood in the process.

Here's the short story: we're having a baby.

But I'm not pregnant.

And don't intend on being either. Ever. Again.

Given those parameters, our intentions may now be quite clear. But, in the event that they're not, let me explain...we are hoping/dreaming/planning to adopt. This year. In fact, we attend our first class in February to get the ball rolling.

How's that for a New Year's resolution?

Now that you have the short story, let me explain a bit more.

Remember when we lost our baby (almost) two years ago? And I went on and on and ON - for crying out loud - about how we still wanted another child?

Well, about a year ago (after my emotions had healed enough to have an actual conversation about the subject), Tonto immediately told me he thought/felt we should adopt. And I shut him down. Immediately. And with force.

You see, I wanted to have a child the old fashioned way. Or so I thought. And I wanted a newborn. For sure. Or so I thought. And, to his extreme credit, he immediately told me we could do whatever I wanted. Regardless of cost. Or inconvenience.

Yes, I have a very good husband...but that's another story. :-)

Anyway, in the ensuing months, I never really had a peace about it and honestly felt like our having a child was never going to happen. I could not imagine being pregnant again. But there was no way on earth I was going to admit defeat. I'm stubborn like that...

 I also did not want to go through losing another child. That thought almost paralyzed me. And, yes, you can tell me the odds of that happening again aren't great. But I will also tell you the odds of losing a baby after it has a detectable heartbeat is less than 20 percent. Yet, I still watched that baby's heart stop via ultrasound.

And, truth be told, I do not do pregnant well. At all. I am not one of those women who enjoy pregnancy even a little. And that's actually a bit of an understatement.

As divine intervention would have it, there were adoption stories abounding around me throughout 2012. And my heart was forever broken for these children whose parents did not want or could not care for them. Now, I won't sugarcoat it for you - I do not understand that type of parent. And I may not this side of heaven. But what I do know is that these children deserve parents. Ones who really want a child - like we do - and will take them in and give them a forever home. 

My heart was, in fact, broken for these children. Beyond repair.

And, on December 23 (the day Taylor and I left for Louisiana with my parents), I woke up and told Tonto I was all in on adoption. And, since we hadn't spoken about it in almost a year, he looked at me like I'd lost my mind. And I really don't think he thought I was serious.

But I was. And I am.

We have a ton of love to give. And I don't need to give birth to this child because, if I'm being totally honest, I've carried them in my heart for years. I just didn't realize it until recently. And so our journey has begun.

And now that I've explained what this is, please allow me to explain what this is not: this is not Plan B. I do not ever want this child - or anyone else - to believe they became part of our family because we couldn't have another biological child. That has been refuted (obviously) and could be replicated. But it's just not what we want or feel is where we've been led.

We firmly believe there is a child out there who has been chosen for our family - and was from Day One - and we cannot wait to meet him or her. We don't care about gender. We don't have a lot of preferences and I've even give up on my newborn. Our parameters will show that we're willing to take a newborn, baby or toddler.

And, yes, there are many children older than that who need homes. No denying that fact. This is just what is right for our family.

And so...there you have it. Our big news. New adventure. Long ago planned journey.

When I first spoke with our agency, I was told there are currently 11,000 children free to be adopted in Texas alone. This only solidified what I knew to be right for us. And though we cannot save all of these children, what I know is that come 2014, my hope and prayer is that this number is...

11,000 minus 1

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11