Finally Got It!

For a year now - 12 solid months - I've lived a dual life. On one hand, I'm incredibly grateful for my sweet family and the many blessings with which we've been bestowed. None of which, mind you, we deserve.

If you had any idea that depth of the pit from which He pulled us five years ago, you would realize just how far our lives have come. It's not too far a stretch to say that who we are and the life we live bears hardly any resemblance to that pit.

And, y'all, I'm so thankful. Truly. I am.

But there's the other side of the coin. You know, the one where - no matter how good life is - there's a hole in my heart where a baby should be. And I've lived through all of the one year anniversary dates and, with one exception, did so remarkably well.

But that doesn't change everything that's happened and the fact that my heart was ripped to shreds this time last year.

I've received emails from so many friends - far and near - who have prefaced their messages with "it's obvious you have faith and trust Him but I want you to know I'm praying for you anyway." And while it's true that I have faith and I do trust Him, being completely honest compels me to admit that my heart has just grown hard the past few months.

I suppose this phenomenon shouldn't be all that surprising because this has been my way of dealing with - or not dealing, so to speak - things I really don't care to think about or spending time on. It's sometimes just easier to block memories out, refuse to give into emotion and move forward.

Sometimes, I can attest, it even helps. 

What's different in this situation is that it can't just be blocked out. It must be dealt with...and as I've wondered the past few weeks where He is and why I can't hear Him anymore, I've often believed it's just one of those seasons in which He withdraws for a time.

And I'm not so certain that isn't exactly the case. But when He does so, there's always a deeper reason why...

And, today, I think I got it. 

My Bible study today centered on some of my favorite verses that go something like this:

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me    to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn

Isaiah 61:1-2

What the commentary pointed out is that "poor" doesn't just pertain to financial means. We can be poor - and even destitute in many different ways. I have, quite frankly, been pretty poor in a number of areas this past year but here's what Beth Moore (you know I love her) says about that:

² 

"...God is far too faithful to let anyone make it through life without confronting seasons of utter helplessness."

Let me be clear - I'm not feeling helpless or hopeless though there were moments of that in the beginning. But the intent of the statement is still rather clear, right?

In keeping with the same portion of the verse, the poor depend on others for sustenance and life. But we can also depend on others to be our life. To give us a reason to keep on going. But that's no one else's job but His. Also from Beth:

"Sooner or later, God will make sure we confront the poverty of living on the alms of others so that we may learn to feast on Him."

For instance, there are so many people who have cried with/for me, sent me cards, gifts, scriptures, love, support and the list goes on...but none - let me repeat, NONE - of those well meaning friends and family have any ability at all to soothe the soul of one who's in despair. Only One.

In another portion, Beth discusses repairs of the heart. Specifically, how it request the attention and focus of God to stitch our hearts back together. And it takes time. TIME - one of the words I've come to loathe during this season. But it's so true...

And, finally, this statement hit me like a ton of bricks:

"Perhaps there is no time when the enemy attempts to cloud our vision like our fiery trials. His job is to keep us blinded to the One who walks with us through the fire."

Oh, y'all...how many times have I called out and wanted to know 'where are You?' Because at times it certainly feels like I'm all alone.  The truth, though, is it does not matter whether we see Him there or not - either willingly or unwillingly - the fact remains that He is there because He has promised not to forsake those who love Him.

And, after digesting this portion of the study, it's like a newfound freedom was mine. Because all of this 'where is He?' and 'why am I all alone?' is nothing but hogwash. Hogwash from the 'prince of the world' who is nothing but a master of deception.

Life goes on. And it will culminate in something so absolutely amazing that it cannot be imagined. Until then, let's not fall into the trap of believing the enemy's lies. Because nothing makes him angrier than knowing you're onto him.

I hope he's really irritated today.