End of an Era

Y'all. I don't even know how to begin this post because I honestly cannot believe that the school year is coming to a close tomorrow. Don't get me wrong - I'm pleased as punch about it because, well, Mama needs a BREAK. (Why didn't anyone tell me being the parent of a teen is EXHAUSTING?) But, still, it sort of feels like I just sent my girl off to begin the 8th grade (with a tiny bit of leftover summer sunburn) and here she is about to cross over a threshold of which there is no return - HIGH SCHOOL.

And I've got to admit, as much as I loathed 7th grade (it really almost did me in, friends), this year was one that was (mostly) fun and fascinating. I've caught myself more than a few times looking at Taylor and wondering when in the heck she became almost grown. And how in the world (with all the major mistakes I made as a parent) she became such a thoughtful, bright, compassionate and - this was surprises me most because I remember myself at 14 - LOGICAL human being.

She and her friends (both girl and boy) bring us such JOY and the way she has adjusted to a baby being thrown into the mix on a moment's notice has made me more proud that I can possibly express. She is not like her Type A, everything must have a place mother. Not even a little bit. She rolls with the punches, could care less if her laundry ever gets put up, and lives to have fun and just soak up life. With as little drama as possible. In fact, the girl really doesn't tolerate drama. She just removes those folks from her life.

Oh, to have had that type of perspective at her age, y'all. It would have saved me a million tears and a whole lot of heartache.

This girl is my beautiful baby. And always will be. She amazes and challenges me. Daily. And have we discussed how funny she is? Because she's HILARIOUS.

There are a lot of stories about her that I keep off the interwebz these days because they are hers to tell. And I try, for the most part, to respect that growing up process. While it makes me sad on one hand to see her join the ranks of the high schoolers because it means her time at home is way too quickly coming to an end, I also love who she is and cannot wait to see what's in store for my bright eyed beauty.

Right after we have a summer full of camps, swimming pools, theme parks, beaches and FUN. :-)

Lately...

So it's the end of the school year and things are, like always, crazy. Last Thursday night we celebrated Taylor's FFA accomplishments at the end of year banquet. I didn't realize my camera battery was dead until I pull it out to snap a few shots so I apologize for the terrible camera phone (from a distance and in bad lighting) pics. ;-)

She earned her Greenhand Degree this year...

...in addition to being on the Greenhand Chapter Conducting and Dairy Cattle Teams. AND she was chosen to represent Midway at the FFA state convention this summer. So proud of this girl, friends.

And then on Monday, she was recognized at the Middle School Academic Awards Ceremony for the two FFA teams as well. She even wore a dress!

In other big news, Paw Paw went shopping last Friday and Tiny is now sleeping in her very own room. And on a mattress that is probably nicer than my own. :-)

First crib nap was a huge success - 3.5 hours. I repeat - 3.5 hours. Do you have any idea how much stuff I was able to get done during that time? I've been super sad to see her leave our room but it was time and I've definitely slept better not hearing her rustling. She's a mover and a shaker. 

 Nana and Boppy went shopping too and her sweet bedding should be here this weekend. Cannot. Wait.

My current favorite addition to the nursery. For obvious reasons.

And not to leave our other girl out, Dottie headed to the vet last week and got her first pedicure. She was quite clearly thrilled. And has refused to speak to Dave since, which is kind of hilarious.

In case you were wondering, yes, Tonto is smitten with Tiny. Not sure I can state it better than this picture. 

So that's the Reader's Digest version of what we've been up to. Crazy, busy, beautiful, sometimes exhausting life. And allergies. So. Many. Allergies. But why talk about that, right? 

The Day O' Mothers

So...Sunday was Mother's Day. In general, we're not big on elaborate celebrations. Just meeting up with my parents for linner (you know, between lunch and dinner) is par for the course. 

We all went to church that morning and, of course, Tiny looked ADORABLE in the blue dress that both Taylor and I wore home from the hospital. And she buried her face in Tonto's arm - face down - and went to sleep. The entire time. First of all, she NEVER does that when I have her there by myself. Second, no one got to see her dress. Stinker! :-)

But here's the dress...

We had a nice dinner (even though there was a VERY long wait) at Longhorn with my parents and I forced Taylor into a few selfies once we got home.

This one is actually more indicative of our personalities and relationship.

This girl is the embodiment of the following statement. Because all who know her realize she is NOT a rule follower. And cannot be forced into it. But she does love the Lord with all her heart.

We're also not big on huge gifts, which is why I was surprised to open a Pandora box and find this. Some know this story {it's an old one} but it's a good one so I'll tell it again. When Taylor was about 2, my mom took her to buy me a present (can't remember if it was Mother's Day, birthday, etc.) and asked T what she wanted to buy. Her response, "A heart because hearts mean I love you."

And a tradition was born. I have gotten hearts from that girl for EVERY occasion since. And. I. Love. It.

She picked out the heart charm on the left and obviously the one on the right is for Baby S. To say I love it would be an understatement. No matter any outcome, I will NEVER forget this Mother's Day.

Thoughts on Foster Care Month...

I recently learned that May is national Foster Care Month. Who knew? I had no idea. Seriously...not a clue. And I'm gonna be honest, sometimes I get really tired of celebrating this profession but not that one or a certain industry but not another. 

In my opinion...it. is. exhausting.

And kind of unfair. Because I'm still waiting for Marketing and PR Professionals week. But, yet, it never comes. And I say all this being married to one who has his own week (Respiratory Care) and month (healthcare) but who doesn't really celebrate either because he just views it as his career and calling.

But anyway...Foster Care Month intrigues me because I think there are some misconceptions out there and, up until recently, I was one of the biggest offenders. I do not say that lightly but with all sincerity. And our situation is not traditional in the foster care sense but we do deal with a lot of the same issues. And some additional ones that we might not know of in a traditional set up but that's really neither here nor there, quite frankly.

So here are a few thoughts and observations. Please, please do not take this to be any sort of end all, be all list because it's just not but I think maybe these are few of the biggest issues folks could benefit from knowing.

1) Foster care/foster-to-adopt is hard, y'all. 

Like, really hard. Particularly for Type A people like me because you want to know all the facts, make swift and informed decisions, execute said decisions quickly and move on with your new - and amazing - life. But it doesn't work that way. 

The system is over taxed, workers have case loads you can't imagine not to mention they're underpaid, all of the services associated with the system have the same issues AND movement is slow. Like, painstakingly slow. There are procedures that must be followed to be legal even when you cannot possibly see the benefit and it's enough to drive a Type A personality absolutely insane. Or at least to tears. Which it has. On multiple occasions. It's not an instant family with all of the loose ends tied up. It's messy. And hard. Most things worth having are and, y'all, it's soooo worth it. 

And, one more thing, those who choose to make this a career are doing it because they love it. They love these kids. They want what's best for them and will fight for them continually. If they didn't, there's no way they could survive because they put up with more than one could possibly imagine.

2) There are things foster/foster-to-adopt parents want to to/say/share but they just can't...

I would love to fling Baby S's photo all over social media. I have the most precious newborn photos you have ever seen not to mention recent pics of her laughing and giggling. And I can't share them. I can't even tell most people her name. Yes, this is a way to grow your family. But there are many non-conventional nuances to the process. And your heart wants to burst because everyone wants to share in your excitement but there are things I took for granted when Taylor was a baby that I will not again. Ever. 

And you want to tell people so many specifics so they can pray for you but there's this little thing called privacy. And even when you think one might not deserve it, they are entitled to it. And so you vaguely ask for prayers and are so grateful when they roll in.

And you want to believe absolutely nothing can happen to change the situation. But there's a possibility. Even if it's not a large one. And it creeps up on you in the middle of the night/day/morning/afternoon when you least expect it.

Please, friends - don't take your conventional experiences (whatever they may be) for granted.

3) It's a blessing.

In the past 3.5 months, I have learned more about dysfunction than I ever thought possible. There are things I thought only existed on reality television shows (and were done for ratings) that are real. They are happening in our communities. They are heartbreaking. Sad doesn't even begin to cut it and it will make you question everything you thought you knew.

But what an awesome God who would use us to save even one of these precious babies. I see of a lot of folks who call on the Church to mobilize and get involved more in foster care because there are so many children in need. Who better to love on the orphans than Christians? And I wholeheartedly agree. But there's also a growing number of children who age out of the system. They have nothing and no one and are expected to find their way in this big, scary world. They need the Church as well.

And, at the end of the day, I consider having Baby S in our lives nothing but a blessing. Even with all the things that may cause me uneasiness or anxiety or cause me to want to fall on the ground in a heap. I do hope we're a blessing to her - that's for sure. But I absolutely believe she's blessed us more than I've ever blessed her.

4) It's scary.

The things you see on Facebook or out in public are genuine. We're ecstatic. We're enjoying every single moment. We've waited for this for so long. But there are the moments you don't see - the ones where you collapse into a puddle of tears on someone's chest and beg for this process to move quickly because you are terrified for this child. Because you know too much about the situation and cannot imagine ever handing them over to anyone. 

The ones when your friends and family (hello, Tonto) have to pick you up, dust you off and remind you that what is most important is right in front of your face. That all you can do is take care of this baby, cherish every moment, and pray that God will work the rest out, knowing He loves her even more than you do.

5) It will stretch you farther you thought possible.

To call these uncharted waters would be simplifying a somewhat complex situation. To say that God has made this Type A girl relinquish any and all control is 100% true. To know that - no matter what - no one can ever take this time away from you is a comfort. And to believe that it will never end is a necessity. And, in the midst of it all, I'm grateful. We're grateful. And forever changed.

Texas Wildflowers

Last Monday (so thankful Baylor gives us a long Easter weekend), I headed to a local park where there is a beautiful patch of Indian Paintbrushes and Bluebonnets with Taylor, two of her friends and baby girl. It was hot. And humid. And we were there for more than an hour but it was totally worth it. 

See?

Fierce

So I think it's probably obvious by now that there is a baby in our house. And though I can't share her whole story at this point (and it may be a loooong time before I can), it's impossible not to mention her or pretend her entrance hasn't changed our entire world.

To say that she came into our lives unexpectedly would be the understatement of the year, friends. But, in retrospect, I honestly believe that's the best way it could have happened for everyone involved. And it also explains why I kept seeing my baby verse - from THREE YEARS ago - plastered EVERYWHERE as the calendar turned from 2013 to 2014. I was confused and refused to read anything into it because, let's face it, once you've lost a baby it's just hard to believe it will or can ever happen again.

Not to mention the fact that she was so tiny and needed someone around who was comfortable with fragile babies who need extra care. Someone who would know exactly what to look for and how to treat her immediately so something seemingly small didn't turn into a huge ordeal for one so young.

Enter Tonto. Who, by the way, said tiny babe wrapped around her finger IMMEDIATELY.

And she does have extra needs. Things I never dreamed of doing with Taylor when she was this age. But it's become our new norm. And lately as I've read so many stories about preemies and the challenges they had and do still face, I realized one more miracle: the baby's health itself.

Because she is a fighter. And she is fierce. And she's literally had almost no major health issues despite being so early.

We are so blessed to have her. To be able to snuggle her. And to love on her. While I won't pretend that there have been no bumps in the road regarding other areas of the situation, the one perfect and innocent angel involved is the one whose face I so wish we could share. 

Because, y'all...she is BEAUTIFUL.

But one day, friends...one day she'll have an amazing story to tell. And, no matter what happens, we'll be some tiny part of that story. And I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity.

What's blown me away, though, are the number of people who had said things along the lines of how lucky she is to have us. And I understand the sentiment. Honestly. But every time I hear those words, I realize how the very opposite is true. Because just like Taylor has saved me from myself more times than I can count, this tiny one has healed a part of my heart I was absolutely convinced would remain broken - in some way - forever.

And, yes, she is little. But my, oh my, is she also fierce.

No Regrets

I remember this day well. It was 4th of July and Tonto was working. The girl and I met my parents at the Belton parade - a tradition still kept - and she was having a bit of toddler angst. And she was in an orange soda phase. And the precious red, white and blue outfit my mom had gotten her for  the occasion was *almost* too small. But we made it work. Because it was precious. And festive.

We had purchased our first home less than a year before and it was currently Taylor's turn for a room makeover. She had chosen pink walls with a hand painted flower (think tulips, bright and happy) border. I had painstakingly worked with many colors of paint, brushes galore and a lifesaving stencil for days.

After the parade was over, my parents took the girl back to their house for lunch and a nap so I could finish up her room. And I did. And it looked amazing. I knew she would LOVE it.

Tonto got off work not long after and we met up with some friends for a bit before retiring to the home of some other friends. They lived close to a park where the local fireworks show was visible from their front lawn.

And I let Taylor go with my parents to a different location to see the show. By the time I picked her up, she was exhausted. And she couldn't care less that her new room was complete. She simply wanted to go to bed.

The good news is that she did LOVE the room. The next morning. And she loved the fireworks. I know that because she told me. And my mom told me. But not because I witnessed it myself.

The number of moments I've missed like this one aren't astronomical. But they're the ones that stick with me. The ones I regret. Because the truth is that motherhood (or fatherhood) is hard. And it brings with it guilt. For so many reasons. Some legit. Most not. But, again, the least legit items are the ones that remain in my head. Maybe I'm not alone?

There are so many more moments, experiences and memories I've made with my girl. And I cherish them. Even the ones - and perhaps especially the ones - that didn't turn out exactly like I had hoped.

And that's why I'm mostly absent these days. From the blog. From happy hour. From social commitments. From dinners out and almost anything else that takes me away or makes me miss moments like this...

...and this...

...and this.

Because right now life is a roller coaster. And it's exhausting a lot of the time as well. Sometimes just making it to work on time or making it through the day without bursting into tears is a giant win. 

But, no matter how anything might turn out in the next year or so, there is one thing I know for sure: I don't want to have regrets about how I spent my time. Or the amount of energy I poured into those I love.

And so I'll remain happily - and maybe annoyingly - absent for now. Because I just don't want to miss a singular, solitary thing.